It is very common for people to forgive wrongdoing by someone as a superficial gesture hoping that this act would somehow magically start healing oneself without further involvement or emotional commitment. Obviously to no avail.
It is in our nature to want to deal with something expediently especially if it is causing us great pain and discomfort. I mean this is just logic and normal. Why wouldn’t we want to get rid of something that hurts us, especially if it is related to something in-tangible like emotions.
But if it was this easy then we humans would not be who we are.
I guess forgiveness can come in many forms but some of the keys to help in this process are:
Time. When you have been hurt by someone else or something, you cannot expect it to disappear without letting yourself process it. You will go through many different kinds of periods which will bring up different emotions. The more you are hurt the longer it will take. You may think you are fine one day and the next you might not. Wait for a time when your emotions regarding this thing has been stable for sometime.
Detach. You will need to detach yourself from this thing or this person/people who caused you this pain at some point. It will be extremely hard to truly forgive without some space for your own reflections and thoughts. This can come with time.
Surround yourself with positive energy. Paramount to your forgiveness is surrounding yourself with people and things that keep your spirit up and let you have a positive outlook on life. Being positive helps you possibly explore the person or thing that you are seeking to forgive. Positivity also has the ability for you to reach forgiveness faster.
Finally, before you forgive, you must forgive yourself. Now you may wonder why I should forgive myself if I haven’t done anything wrong.
First of all in most cases, your involvement may be a reason to what happened, anyway this is besides the point.
I guess forgiving yourself first is the key. It is a weird thing really but let me put it this way. Lets say you forgive someone for what they have done to you without forgiving yourself. Well you will most likely keep on feeling like “you” were the one who forgave putting yourself above this person morally (i.e. letting your ego reign supreme). But if you forgive yourself first you create an equilibrium within that will allow you to forgive without feeling like you loose or gain something.
It is hard to explain but there is definitely a big difference when you manage to forgive yourself and then forgive the thing that caused you pain. Its a sense of relief and like a weight has been removed from you chest.
Obviously like anything in life, things don’t happen in a sequence or a defined order. Life is random and we are all different, but if you can be at ease with yourself then the external pressures and problems will usually sort themselves out by themselves.